Saving Marriages

     Stable families are the foundation of society. So what is happening to society when so many families are broken? Society is crumbling. Divorce rates are the highest in the United States compared to any other Western country (Schoen and Canudas-Romo 2006). This is a very sad fact I read from Lauer & Lauer. I come from a broken family. I can say from experience it is not an easy road for the children or the spouses involved. It’s a very sad and hard road, so why are so many people choosing to walk down it? I want to explore this a little more throughout this blog post.
The no-fault divorce law set off a new attitude towards divorce. All of a sudden you could get divorced for any reason. Though it still took a lot of work, this law made it a lot easier to obtain a divorce, so many people did especially during the baby boom. This pattern of thinking started to grow and grow until it is what it is today. Today fewer people are getting divorced compared to previous generations, however, fewer people are getting married. Marriages are called “starter marriages” or worse “my first marriage.” There is an attitude that marriage is a temporary status update and not a binding sacred relationship.
     In class, it was mentioned that 2 years after couples get divorced 70% of them say they could have and should have saved their marriage. This is a huge number! How do you think society would have changed if these people chose to work on their marriage and stay together? A better question is how do you think their kids’ lives would have changed if they decided to work on their marriage? A lot! I know that both of my parents have expressed this same regret, but now are at a point in their lives where they are unable to work on their marriage because they got remarried.
     My Mother got remarried in the first year that my parents had split and my dad got remarried within the first 2 years after the divorce. It is very typical for men to remarry very soon after divorce. 70% of men that get divorced will remarry within 2 years after there divorce. Why? Men usually don’t have as much custody over their children as women do. This makes it easier for them to find a spouse quicker. Most people know that the statistics aren’t amazing for marriage satisfaction and successfulness for second marriages. Or for 3ird and 4th marriages for that matter.
     So why aren’t more people choosing to fight for their marriages? Let’s dive into that a little deeper. A lot of spouses choose to get divorced once their children are either older, less reliant on them or possibly left the house. Spouses can share a lot of things in common, but a big one is parenting. When the kids are gone or are take less attending too, it can be easier for spouses to feel like they can’t relate to their spouse anymore. Especially once spouses become empty nesters, it can feel as if they have nothing in common and therefore they choose to separate.
     A big factor that plays into this is how the spouses are treating their marriage in the first place. I have said it before, and I’ll say it again, marriage is a living breathing thing. It’s something that you need to daily nurture and take care of. If you aren’t treating your marriage like this, then it will surely be turned into mush once you can’t find anything in common anymore. However, even a mushy marriage can be strengthened. Someone once told me perception is the only reality. If more spouses could have a perspective change, their reality would also change.
     I found that my biggest perspective changes have come when I increase my education and knowledge. That’s why I recommend the book “take back your marriage” by William Doherty. It explains a great concept about consumer marriage and this knowledge alone can help so many marriages. I originally had my mind set on talking more about combined families, but in the process, I wanted to share how to not have the difficulties that come with combining two families in the first place. For most marriages, it will always be better to choose to fight for your marriage instead of splitting and later getting remarried. If you are in a tight spot, I highly suggest expanding your knowledge on marriage to help strengthen your marriage when it’s hard to work on it.

Parenting

    I have a very spunky redhead sister who has a loud personality that can naturally make people turn away from her. When she perceives that people are turning away from her it triggers her to be even more obnoxious at times, leaving her need of connection and physical contact unmet. Brother Williams told a similar story in class about a kid who pushed people away because of some tendencies he had.
     To help this kid Brother Williams went out of his way to increase his physical contact with the boy by shaking his hand, putting his arm around his back, etc. He observed that has he did this, the boy (let’s say the boy's name is John) was more calm. Later, John’s parents came up to Brother Williams and thanked him for helping their son be more calm, easier to work with, and kinder to his siblings. The only thing they could think of that changed was what Brother Williams was doing. Isn’t it interesting that something as simple as adding minimal physical contact with someone could help them? There are so many things parents can do to help their children, especially those that require more attention. The world is increasingly teaching parents that children are a nuisance and that parenting is about figuring out how to make kids obey. WRONG. Parenting can be the most fulfilling role that anyone will ever have. So how do we teach our kids, especially those needing extra love like my little sister?
    When a problem arises, let’s say your 7-year-old doesn’t want to eat all her food, ask yourself “who owns this problem, and who is affected?” Answering this will help determine the next step to take. If the problem solely affects the child, then let the natural consequences teach the child. In this case, the natural consequence of not eating or finishing your food is that you could be hungry sooner than normal. This scenario affects the child.  Letting natural consequences occur wouldn’t be appropriate when the consequences are too dangerous, like addictive substances, early sexual intercourse, etc. However, in our scenario, the natural consequences would help the child to learn and grow. If or when the child complains about the natural consequences a parent should recognize the need and empathize with the child, but respect the natural consequences way of teaching.
    If the problem affects the parent, let’s say your 12-year-old daughter keeps using up all of your makeup without asking, then ask yourself the questions stated above. “Who owns the problem, and who is affected by it?” In this case, the parent is affected by it, so the next step would be to come up with your child some logical consequences. It’s important that you and your child work together to come up with a consequence that logical correlates with the problem occurring. You wouldn’t want to have the consequence of skipping a meal if your daughter forgets to ask to use your makeup, those two things don’t correlate. Once you have made the logical consequences together, it’s important that you follow through with your agreement. This teaches the child that you respect the agreement you made with them and that you believe that they have the power to live by it.
    Being a parent is about nurturing and teaching our children so they are prepared for the world. Learning how to respect our children and properly prepare them by letting natural and logical consequences guide them will prepare them to make independent decisions on their own that will lead them to be successful. My little sister needs extra love as well as guided intentional parenting that will help her as she grows. I’m grateful that I have a mother that is amazing at using these principles and I’m excited to be a parent one day and help my children. All 7 of them!

Fathers & Mothers

     “Why are you going to college if you want to be a stay at home mom?” or there is “What’s the point in getting a degree if you're not going to use it?”. Wow. I hate these questions. However, they are valid. What the heck am I doing? If I’m going to stay at home all day (changing diapers, making food, cleaning, and playing taxi driver) why waste the money on a degree I will never use? It’s so easy to look at homemakers and think their job is blah. On the flip side, Men – who for most of society have been the primary presiders – are getting the idea that they aren’t important. They would be holding their sweetheart back from her dreams if they didn’t make it possible for her to have a career. All of it is a load of crap. Women and Men have specific roles and each is so important. I’m so excited to explain why!
     Let’s tackle Women first. Dennis Prager wrote an excellent article called “Does a Full-Time Homemaker Swap Her Head For a Mop?”. In it, he talks about the worlds view on motherhood today and how most people view motherhood as a mindless, pointless, and unfulfilling way of life. It’s so easy to think having a career is what life is all about. Folding laundry can only get so good right? Wrong. Not only is child caring very full-filling, but it’s the biggest way you could positively affect the world for better.
     Think about it. You are training, loving, and taking care of someone who will go out into the world and will affect so many people. On top of child baring, you can continue education by listening, reading, and watching! The possibilities are getting more and more endless to how a homemaker can further education and knowledge of the world. Now don’t get me wrong, being a homemaker isn’t flattering work by any means. There will be some happy and perfect moments, but everyday homemaking isn’t rainbows and butterfly’s as my friend Emily would put it. However, that doesn’t mean it’s not important or unfulfilling. I am going to college because I want to learn! I’m taking classes that will help me be a better future mother and that’s worth it to me.
     Now let’s talk about Fathers. What does it mean to preside? Webster’s Dictionary explains it as “the exercise of authority”. That sounds like a beating to me. So many men are taught that presiding means making all the decisions and having the final say. That doesn’t sound like a healthy marriage or a happy family. Presiding has nothing to do with being superior above others and bending them to your will and has everything to do with directing and inviting others to council together. How beautiful would it be if all men could understand how important their role is as a presider over their family. Too often men are treated solely as a paycheck that comes every month. I hate that. This attitude needs to stop.
     Along with presiding, having a father in the home has so many positive effects on children. Boys are less likely to act out aggressively and girls are less likely to be sexually active early on. In fact, in the article “A Key Commonality In School Shooters The Left Refuses To Address” they talk about how there is an obvious correlation between youth violence/suicide and fatherless homes. Isn’t that crazy?
     Fathers, you are so important. You are not a paycheck, you are a provider and presider over your family! You can direct in love family councils and with your wife decide together on small and big decisions. You alone being at home with your family helps your children! Mothers, you are so important. You are not a mop or mat to be stepped on. The work you do isn’t flattering but is fulfilling and will be more powerful than any career out there! Knowledge and education don’t stop when babies come. If everyone could understand that roles better, this world would be a better place.

Communication or Selfishness

     My favorite teacher, I’ve ever had at College once asked the question “what is the main reason people get divorced?” He had everyone stand up and choose to go to a corner of the room that represented their opinion on the question. One corner was for those who believed it was because of communication. Almost everyone walked over to that corner. After we had all chosen our stances he said that we were all wrong and that the core of all divorces is selfishness. He then explained that although communication is something that a lot of people struggle with, it can be easily taught and learned; selfishness, on the other hand, is not as easily overcome. I’ve never forgotten this lesson. Selfishness is the core of divorce, but bad communication makes relationships sloppy. Bad communication is the outside expression of inner selfishness. So let’s dive into how we can fix that.
     How do we seek to understand someone that’s pissing us off? We don’t. If the conversation is so heated that our emotions are high, it’s really hard to focus on listening to someone. So step number one is getting to a point where you can level your emotions and focus on listening to your significant other. For me, that usually looks something like taking a quick breather and some time to cool down. Note, I didn’t say stomp off for a couple of hours and think about everything I hate about the other person and how my opinion is “obviously” right. Taking time to cool off shouldn't be for a very long time.  Be specific about setting up a time to come back to the conversation with the person you are talking with.
     After completing step one by making sure you're at a good emotional state, seek first to understand. Most people don’t listen or don’t know how to communicate back to the person that they understand. So let's go over some ways to do that.
     Step number two, use a reflection of feeling statement. A reflection of feeling statement is when you listen to someone and pull out the feelings they are stating while they are speaking, and then you state it back to them. For example: if someone says “I have so much to do, I feel like I’m going crazy!” you could respond with “that sounds overwhelming.” The feeling that your pinpointing is feeling overwhelmed. Something as simple as using helper feeling statements can help people communicate so much better because it forces you to focus on what the words people say mean.
     Step three, use reflection of content statements. This is where you listen to what someone is saying and then repeat back to them in your own words what they stated. This shows them that you understand what they are communicating or that you are still confused but are trying to understand. For example, someone could say “my boss wanted me to take on extra hours at work while my husband keeps asking me to not work as much, I don’t know what do.” A feeling of content statement could look like “So you have two people wanting you to do opposite things that are contradicting each other and you don’t know which option to choose.” Using feeling of content helps others feel empathized with because you are letting them know in your own words that you understand what they are saying.
     There are so many more tools that you can learn that can help tidy up your sloppy communication. Whether it’s your spouse or a friend, healthy communication is important to help any relationship. As stated in the beginning, selfishness is the main cause of divorce and bad communication. It is much harder to learn how to not be selfish, so start with using reflection of feeling and content statements so you can inch your way to becoming more selfless as you listen better to people you love and care about.

Stress & Coping

    Before the Spring semester of 2019 even started, I was stressed. So stressed that I would have breakdowns because I had no idea how I was going to manage everything that I had planned. In January I launched my photography business that was growing rapidly and took up most of my time. I knew it would only take up more time during the busy season of April through August. I needed to get a part-time job to survive financially during the spring semester. So I quickly found a job teaching English online from 3 am to 7 which made it difficult to plan out my time, but it was possible. I would be going to school full time during the spring semester and I had the goal to succeed in all my classes. Lastly, I knew I wanted to focus on starting my family. The combination of all of these things (Running a business, having an early part-time job, going to school full time, and trying to get pregnant) made me go crazy! My biggest fear is that I would get pregnant and (due to early pregnancy symptoms) would be to sick to do anything on my list. Little did I know how time-consuming and stressful it would be to struggle with not being able to get pregnant in the first place. Now, why am I telling you any of this? Because this is all we see when we talk about stress. The bad.
Stress sucks. However, we need stress. Isn’t that crazy? How could something so negative be positive? I’m not suggesting that stress like the kind I was and am going through is healthy, but a certain amount of stress is needed. To give you a better visual let me tell you about astronauts. When astronauts go up to space there is low gravity, making it so there is less stress on their bones. When they return from their trip, they are wheelchaired out of their spacecraft because they have no strength. The gravity on earth provides the perfect amount of stress on our bones that we need to be strong. Stress = Strength. Maybe that’s why everyone in the movie Wallie was fat and couldn’t walk. THEY DIDN’T HAVE STRESS! Most people cope with stress very poorly.
A huge way people cope with stress or anxiety is by diluting it through drugs and alcohol. As weed is getting legalized more places, it’s becoming more of common use to use as a way to cope with symptoms. Because it’s becoming legalized there are more studies on the drug and how it affects us today. Today Weed is 9 times more potent then it was 30 years ago! This makes it so the impairment lasts longer after the high. The high might last for 2 – 6 hours, but the person is impaired for 24 hours. The worst thing weed (or any other addictive substance) does is it turns the individual away from their family. Instead of people turning towards their family for help they are relying on something else to get them through the pain. Wouldn’t it be amazing if families could learn to turn towards each other for help? Wouldn’t it be awesome if people could learn how to handle their anxiety and stress without the constant need of a hit from a drug?
So how do we do that? Well, I’ll tell you. A great resource is to look at other cultures that don’t experience stress as Americans do. They may have just as many “stressful” things happen in their lives, but because they don’t look at it or see it as stressful, they don’t feel stressed or anxious. What!? How is this possible? Perception is everything! If you live in a culture where you don’t perceive most situations as stressful, then you’re not going to feel stress. So how do we do that in American society where stress is everyday life? It starts by making small adjustments to distorted thoughts. So let's look at the distorted thoughts I had at the beginning of this blog and see what I can do to change.
One of the biggest steps I recently took to help bring my stress back down to a normal healthy level is by becoming a temple worker. Initially, adding another thing to my plate seems crazy, however, at the temple, I feel the most peace I have ever felt. I always come back being able to replace distorted thoughts about myself and my life with truth. One that I recently have been able to replace is with pregnancy. It’s been very difficult trying to understand all the “whys” but while at the temple I was able to understand more about God’s timing. Me not getting pregnant isn’t my fault, but rather something that is out of my control. This small perception change of truth has relieved me of so much stress and has brought me to a healthy stress level! Who knew that understanding something a little better could make me so happy? Now my normal stress - over trying to get pregnant - helps me to be healthy and exercise so that my body can be as healthy as It can to welcome a future baby to my family. If you have a more severe mental health issue that does require more help I highly suggest reading the book “When Panic Attacks” by David Burns as well as get in contact with a family counselor. I suggest a family counselor because health issues do affect individuals, but individuals are a part of families and all are affected by health issues especially if it’s a parent or spouse.