Communication or Selfishness

     My favorite teacher, I’ve ever had at College once asked the question “what is the main reason people get divorced?” He had everyone stand up and choose to go to a corner of the room that represented their opinion on the question. One corner was for those who believed it was because of communication. Almost everyone walked over to that corner. After we had all chosen our stances he said that we were all wrong and that the core of all divorces is selfishness. He then explained that although communication is something that a lot of people struggle with, it can be easily taught and learned; selfishness, on the other hand, is not as easily overcome. I’ve never forgotten this lesson. Selfishness is the core of divorce, but bad communication makes relationships sloppy. Bad communication is the outside expression of inner selfishness. So let’s dive into how we can fix that.
     How do we seek to understand someone that’s pissing us off? We don’t. If the conversation is so heated that our emotions are high, it’s really hard to focus on listening to someone. So step number one is getting to a point where you can level your emotions and focus on listening to your significant other. For me, that usually looks something like taking a quick breather and some time to cool down. Note, I didn’t say stomp off for a couple of hours and think about everything I hate about the other person and how my opinion is “obviously” right. Taking time to cool off shouldn't be for a very long time.  Be specific about setting up a time to come back to the conversation with the person you are talking with.
     After completing step one by making sure you're at a good emotional state, seek first to understand. Most people don’t listen or don’t know how to communicate back to the person that they understand. So let's go over some ways to do that.
     Step number two, use a reflection of feeling statement. A reflection of feeling statement is when you listen to someone and pull out the feelings they are stating while they are speaking, and then you state it back to them. For example: if someone says “I have so much to do, I feel like I’m going crazy!” you could respond with “that sounds overwhelming.” The feeling that your pinpointing is feeling overwhelmed. Something as simple as using helper feeling statements can help people communicate so much better because it forces you to focus on what the words people say mean.
     Step three, use reflection of content statements. This is where you listen to what someone is saying and then repeat back to them in your own words what they stated. This shows them that you understand what they are communicating or that you are still confused but are trying to understand. For example, someone could say “my boss wanted me to take on extra hours at work while my husband keeps asking me to not work as much, I don’t know what do.” A feeling of content statement could look like “So you have two people wanting you to do opposite things that are contradicting each other and you don’t know which option to choose.” Using feeling of content helps others feel empathized with because you are letting them know in your own words that you understand what they are saying.
     There are so many more tools that you can learn that can help tidy up your sloppy communication. Whether it’s your spouse or a friend, healthy communication is important to help any relationship. As stated in the beginning, selfishness is the main cause of divorce and bad communication. It is much harder to learn how to not be selfish, so start with using reflection of feeling and content statements so you can inch your way to becoming more selfless as you listen better to people you love and care about.